I made a declaration. Solid. In my Sisterhood Mastermind program, I made it very clear. I had been working for more than 6 months on a project and it was going to be EPIC. It was going to reach more people than I ever had before, and I was going to bring in my highest revenue month yet in my business. I was ready to step into the Light, to come out of hiding, and serve more people in a much bigger way.
I did everything “right”. I put together a solid program, I marketed it, put together all the technical bits (with a ton of help from the uber talented and supportive Rebecca Woodmass), I practiced lots of self care the whole way through, and became a manifesting machine (thank you, Elena Brower, I thought of you, and then you were there. Thank you, Universe). I worked hard where I felt I needed to, I stepped away from it when I felt all consumed by it. I asked for support when I needed it, and I constantly reassessed the value of what I was offering so that I kept my eye on the real prize – Service.
I declared to my Sisters that I desired a certain number of registrations, and a certain revenue to come from all of this hard work. I thought I was mastering Manifestation 101 – get clear on what you want, then begin feeling it’s presence in your life, RIGHT NOW. I felt sooo good. Peaceful, confident and fully in alignment with my life’s calling. However….
I didn’t get what I declared. Not by a long shot.
Two launches in a row did not get the results I had worked hard to get. The registration in one program was so low that I had to cancel it all together.
At first, I was shocked. I had no idea what to do with this reality, and it didn’t seem possible. Then my body began to shut down on me.
I slipped into complete devastation. I had mornings where I woke up and immediately was consumed by body shaking sobs. It felt like my world had fallen apart. I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed some more. I wasn’t able to get even basic things done. My boyfriend took time off of work to be with me. And I just sobbed.
I realized that even with all of my best intentions of self care, I had burnt myself out. I was so laser focused on a specific goal, that when that goal was not achieved, everything that I had known to be True about the world was broken down.
I was so tired. Tired from months and months of hard work. Angry that the Universe had withheld from me what I most desired. Sad that my “baby” hadn’t had the impact I thought it would have.
Every Chakra Need was thrown completely out of balance. Some felt extra needy, some lay dormant in wait of a better time to come into focus. The emotions I felt, were all related to how each Chakra was either spinning out of control, or stuck, immovable.
- Muladhara – I was feeling extremely anxious and worried about where I was and where I was going.
- Svadisthana – all of my watery emotions were in flux, and my addictive nature came back to the surface.
- Manipura – I felt unseen and insignificant.
- Anahata – I deeply craved love and connection to help me heal these wounds.
- Vishuddha – I had been speaking and sharing for so long, I found myself slipping into to quiet listening.
- Ajna – I thought I had been contributing, that my work was in Service to others. Doubt clouded this vision.
- Sahasrara – It felt impossible to expand into any greater consciousness, while I was so unsteady on the ground.
It was time to come back to self care. I sipped coffee and tea. I took walks in nature. I ate comfort food. I did not drink wine even though I really really wanted to (WINNING).
Eventually, the tears dried up. Once they did, clarity replaced the dark clouds. The sun began to shine through on Truth.
I have many things to be grateful for.
- I am grateful for those who DID show up. Weekly I met with them and had a beautiful and intimate experience of my rich and textured program. They were my anchor when I needed a reminder of my “why”. Proof that I didn’t miss the mark, that yes, what I offer IS Valuable, Desirable, and Needed. They were there to learn from me, but I assure you, it is they who became my teachers.
- I am grateful for the resiliency of my own heart. I am, and always have been, an eternal optimist. Even in the moments when I was feeling completely broken, there was a part of me that sat beside myself and said “yes. this is good. cry your cry Christine, for THIS is the moment that you are changing, growing, getting stronger, and becoming more of your highest self.”
- I am grateful for my own self love. I gave myself time to be sad, and mad, and broken. It’s good to feel. We must. But then we must dry our eyes, pick ourselves up, and get back to it. Self love, first. Back in the game, next.
- I am grateful for an endless supply of inspired ideas. Once I dusted myself off, I started to see new opportunities, new ideas, and better ways to reach the folks that I know need this. These programs have their own pulse, and I see that I am just the vehicle for them to be brought into the world and to those who need them most.
- I am grateful that inspired ideas are always followed by immediate manifestations. I declared the other day that I would like to collaborate with Yoga Studios around the world to offer in person workshops and retreats. Within days I scheduled the first workshop to happen in Montreal, and then I was contacted by a dear friend in Australia to offer the workshop to her group. Now, I am speaking with a friend about offering a retreat in her space in Peru. Maybe I AM a manifesting champion???
I have learned much.
- For every moment of devastation, there comes a moment on the other side that is bigger and better than we had ever imagined. Contraction before expansion, right?
- When the Universe says “no” we must learn to hear that what it may really mean is “not yet. not in this way. i have something better for you.”
- Doing it all “right” doesn’t necessarily equal the outcome you desire. I give myself permission to relax.
- For me, setting SMART goals doesn’t work (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely). What this does for me is create an energy of striving and achieving. Basically, a masculine energy that burns me out and easily turns into desperation. Not attractive. So instead I am shifting my focus on to making goals, with Soul (à la Danielle Laporte). How do I desire to FEEL? And can I feel that way right NOW, before I even get to my “destination”? I’m loving this more feminine approach. I feels free and fluid.
- In a time like this, Muladhara my need for Certainty MUST be fulfilled. It begins to outweigh my second Chakra in priority. Svadisthana, the need for Variety, is always important to me, but not at the expense of my need to feel secure. For me Certainty looks like working on activities that I know bring in steady income (teaching yoga, massaging, one-on-one coaching). It looks like a daily ritual of meditation, yoga, and reading. Like sleeping as much as my body craves to, and when I have the energy, cooking healthy food for every meal.
- Manipura, my need to feel Significant, also takes a momentary back seat. What feels more true to my tender heart during difficult times, is meeting my need for Love and Connection through Anahata. This looks to me like quality time with my partner, my best friend, and my many sisters from around the world that hold me in safe sovereign space when I need them to. Sisterhood is the beacon that keeps me afloat, and on track.
- We grow through challenge. Without it, our need for Growth is not completely met. We must apply what we have learned, and to apply it tends to mean that something isn’t quite right, and we are using that tool to heal it. Vishuddha, my need for Growth is met at a high level when my world comes crashing down, because it HAS to. It’s not just nice to learn from challenges, mistakes, and failures, it’s NECESSARY. It is there that my gratitude for this challenge lies. I know, I learn, and I share.
- I am able to take this lesson and transform it into a deeper more relevant service to YOU. With every heartache, there is a new perspective. My need to be of Contribution is even STRONGER now. Ajna, the third eye, is wide open.
I am strong. Already new plans have begun to crystallize. In baby steps. First yoga. Then my to-do list. Then maybe a nap. So on. Repeat.
I am grateful to be seen. I am grateful to know I’m not alone. I feel. Sadness. Anger. Rage.
This is my fuel. I will keep going.